That deluded dilettante…
The tortoise believes that the only way to describe the monstrosity masquerading as the 606 class photo in a pithy, accurate manner would be with the following sentence fragment:
UGLY LIKE SHIT.
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Summary of today.
Oh no!…*giggle**giggle**giggle**giggle**giggle**giggle*Is ours’ too small?*giggle**giggle**giggle**giggle*hope she doesn’t*giggle**giggle**giggle*dirt particles*giggle**giggle**giggle**giggle*capricious weighing machine*giggle**giggle**giggle**giggle*accurate results!*giggle**giggle**giggle**giggle*…
Best practical session ever.
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Lightening the mood
http://www.losteyeball.com/index.php/2007/06/19/56-worstbest-analogies-of-high-school-students/
- Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
- He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.
- Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
- From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
- She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
- The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
- Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
- She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
- The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
- The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
- McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
- His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
- He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at asolar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
- Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
- The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
- Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
- The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
- They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
- Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it hadrusted shut.
- He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that hunts dogs, I suppose.
- She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
- “Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
- It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
- The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
- Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
- Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”
- The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
- The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
- She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
- Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.
- Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very often.
- They were as good friends as the people on “Friends.”
- Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein’s Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances.
- The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.
- He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo.
- The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747.
- Her eyes were shining like two marbles that someone dropped in mucus and then held up to catch the light.
- The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of drachmas.
- I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.
- She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can’t sing worth a damn.
- Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
- It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
- Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
- You know how in “Rocky” he prepares for the fight by punching sides of raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was in.
- The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
- Her lips were red and full, like tubes of blood drawn by an inattentive phlebotomist.
- The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 10 percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent black.
Back to reality:
Worst math major module ever (The teachers are not to blame). Have fun, everyone.
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Unrest.
A few schoolmates have posted some truly ominous content on their blogs.
It’s quite worrying when one reads such posts and wonders if they are one of the parties involved, or worse, one of the guilty parties involved.
Undoubtedly, I must have committed transgressions against many people in this school with my refractory attitude and propensity to shoot my mouth off at inappropriate times.
Everyone seems extremely circumspect now and it’s ironic how the people I am most comfortable with in such times are the ones that have always been taken for granted by me. I need to pay more attention to them.
For once, I am grateful for being in a class where drama is few and far between.
Well, that was one hell of a cathartic post.
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Oh joy unbridled!
Avatar works now. Tortoise is pleased.
For about a second, until ARP bitchslaps him in the face.
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Shameless complaint #1
School lunches stick to the wall.
Patrick, age 10
Protip: Don’t eat from the Western stall.
And here’s why:
1. The things served here make hostel food (oh, the bad memories!) seem like a meal from a Michelin-starred restaurant!
1a. The mashed potatoes are most probably made from some mysterious, unidentifiable material that neither looks nor tastes like potatoes whatsoever. The tortoise sincerely hopes it doesn’t start to consume him from the inside out!
1b. When you want your chicken to be “medium rare”, you now know where to turn to. (Seriously, it’s freaking RED inside)
2. Apparently, there’s some ludicrous unwritten rule that vegetables must accompany every meal. While he is not as selective of his veggies as his Russian cousin, carrots, broccoli and cauliflowers are among the last things that the tortoise will willingly consume! After politely requesting that vegetables not be added to his plate, you can imagine his displeasure when the sullen-faced woman behind the counter pronounced the three horrifying words:
“Vegetables must take.”
The tortoise was too absorbed in his WTF moment to inveigh against this injustice! He would like to extend his heartfelt condolences to the vegetables which are undoubtedly rotting at the bottom of a bin now!
3. The saturnine expression on the lady server’s face clearly shows her utmost disinterest in her job. It is not difficult to guess how much effort she had put into cooking the trash she serves.
4. The huge pile of crap described above cost a whopping $2.80! The tortoise feels that he would have only obtained his money’s worth if he had washed the plate clean and brought it home! Unfortunately, the plate was so nondescript and so uninteresting that the tortoise had failed to conceive this brilliant idea at that time!
Being a somewhat avid fan of the Western food stall since Year 1, the tortoise is really quite displeased by the horrifying revelation that he can only depend on the Japanese and Drink stalls for his meals this year! He is simultaneously disgusted and perturbed!
He is disgusturbed!
(On the flip side, the drinks stall has expanded its inventory to include delightful concotions such as milk tea, strawberry tea and a pleasant lemony aloe vera drink! Happy imbibing! Now all we need is ginger ale.)
School Food
Wise Beyond Their Years
Experience is the Best Teacher
Priceless
If you’re an adult , please ask for your children’s permission before visiting this page.
Family
You shouldn’t listen in on your sister’s conversation with her boyfriend because it gets too mushy. Lezlee, age 11
When your mother is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” it’s best not to answer her. Megham, age 13
I’ll never take my mom’s car out again until I can do it legally. Lorie, age 14
Parents freak out when you have a party with loud music. Eddie, age 10
Every time my grandparents sleep over, they snore through the night. Megan, age 6
If you want something expensive, you should ask your grandparents. Matthew, age 12
When I want to watch a TV show with my parents past my bedtime, my mom always sends me to bed no matter how much I fake being “absorbed” in the program. Rebecca, age 11
Parents don’t get enough appreciation. Susanna, age 17
You should never laugh at your dad if he’s mad or screaming at you. Jogn, age 12
My little brother’s dirty diapers are worse than liver. Matt, age 11
If mom’s not happy, nobody’s happy. Neely, age 13
If your mom’s asleep, don’t wake her up. Amber, age 10
You can play the coolest tricks when people don’t know that you have a twin. Amie, age 16
When my dad says to be home at 11.30, he doesn’t mean be in the driveway, but inside the house by myself. Elizabeth, age 16
If your mom picks your clothes and you dislike them, tell her they don’t fit. Christie, age 12
You only have one mom, and you should take care of her. Sean, age 12
Every time I am at home and I am getting on my parent’s nerves, they wish I were at camp. And every time I’m at camp and nothing’s bothering them, they miss me. Ashley, age 12
My grandmother can say more in a sentence than a college professor can say in an hour and a half. Angela, age 14
No matter how much I love something, mom will throw it away without a second’s thought. Brian, age 12
My dad will never be color coordinated. Samuel, age 11
When you complain about doing the dishes, you usually get stuck doing them more often. Nichole, age 14
The older you get, the harder your parents try to keep you little. Emily, age 16
Even today, watching baseball with your grandpa is still a great American pastime. Erin, age 13
You should never pick on your sister when she has a baseball bat in her hands. Joel, age 12
I can remember what flavor of ice cream cone my grandmother and I shared at Disneyworld; but most of the time, I can’t remember what day it is. I guess it depends on what you think is important. Katherine, age 13
If you put your brother’s hand in warm water, he will wet the bed. Christopher, age 9
When you make a face behind your father’s back, he turns around too quick for you to get away with it. Elizabeth, age 12
It’s no fun to stay up all night if your parents don’t care. Carrie, age 15
You should never ask your three-year-old brother to hold a tomato. Alecia, age 12
Every time I complain to my mom that I’m bored, she tells me to go clean my room. Joanna, age 13
If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. Parents always catch the second person. Michael, age 10
If mom says “no,” she means it. If dad says “no,” it means maybe. Joseph, age 13
When I think about my grandpas who are dead, tears jump into my eyes. Calen, age 7
Brothers are annoying until they get a car. Leslie, age 12
No matter what I do, my mom can always tell when I’m lying. Jamie, age 16
It isn’t the best thing to dump a bowl of ice cream over your brother’s head – no matter how mad you are. Laura, age 12
You can’t play sick and then expect your mom to let you go to the mall after school. Wendy, age 14
When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair. Morgan, age 11
Once you’ve lost your parents’ trust, it’s hard to earn it back. Kara, age 13
You should not pick your nose because your mom will SCREAM!!! Tiffany, age 8
If you live with five other women, you have to get up bright and early to get into the bathroom. Meghann, age 13
One of the greatest feelings in the world is the feeling you get when your little sister shows that she admires you. Dawn, age 14
I appreciate my mom more than she knows. David, age 15
Parents have eyes in the backs of their heads. Melissa, age 12
Despite all the loving and caring relationships in the world, there is nothing more loving than the feel of my mother’s hand on my forehead when I am sick. Rosemary, age 17
It seems like the oldest one always gets in trouble even if she didn’t do it. Sally, age 11
Parents should come with instructions. Shanna, age 14
It’s not always easy being a kid, but I bet it’s even harder being an adult. Julie, age 11
I should ask my dad what a word means unless I want to look it up in the dictionary. Angela, age 9
You should never tell your parents when you’re curious about girls because many lectures will come in the future. Reza, age 12
Being a good friend is a twenty-four-hour job. Jill, age 14
When you are sick, friends can sometimes be a better medicine than the kind the doctor gives you. Julie Anne, age 12
You should never tell your friends your parents’ nickname for you or you’ll never hear the end of it. Jennifer, age 12
If you tell your friend that you like a boy and say that she can tell only one person, she tells the world. Melissa, age 13
When you buy a car for the first time, your number of friends increases dramatically. Jeffrey, age 16
When you move, you find out who your true friends are by the ones who make an effort to keep in touch with you. Kelly, age 11
No matter how many friends you have, there is always room for one more. Andrea, age 14
My REAL friends aren’t the ones I go out with, but the ones who listen to men when I need an ear and the ones I can cry to when I need a shoulder. Cory, age 17
Your best friends are the ones who don’t believe the rumours about you. Maria, age 13
You never put a boyfriend before family. Family will always be there – boyfriends come and go. Jessica, age 16
You should not be the first one to fall asleep at a slumber party. Katie, age 12
If you have true friends, you can get through anything. Jessica, age 15
If you give your enemy a second chance, she might turn out to be your best friend. Meghann, age 13
Old friends are like old sneakers – always comfortable. Lindsay, age 12
One best friend is better than a whole bunch of friends. Kim, age 11
Having a friend that you can confide in is better than a million dollars. Rachel, age 12
My true friends are those who are there for me, not just to cheer me up, but to cheer me on. Elise, age 14
Real true friends are the ones who don’t mind driving ten miles out of their way to pick you up for school each morning. Donna, age 17
You should never wear a red shirt with black polka dots because your friends will call you a lady bug. Stefanie, age 8
You don’t miss the old neighbouhood until you move away. Melissa, age 15
If you can’t trust a friend, then that person really isn’t your friend. What is a friend without trust? Andrea, age 14
Everything is more fun with a friend. Rebekah, age 15
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. Tiffany, age 13
The class in school I hate the most is the one I learn the most from. Joanne, age 10
The boys’ restroom smells, but the girls’ restroom doesn’t. Devin, age 10
All the bad things I’ve heard about algebra are true. Erin, age 14
If you read a book, it can take you to places you haven’t been before. Lindsay Ellen, age 10
You can’t catch a hard baseball in your mouth. Joseph, age 10
If you put a frog in a girl’s desk, you’re going to hear some screaming. Nicholas, age 9
Making a good grade on a test you studied really hard for is a glorious feeling. Sarah, age 12
When I am working in class and the teacher is looking over my shoulder, I get nervous. Tine, age 17
When I try to be nice to my teachers because I think they deserve some respect, my friends always think I’m kissing up. Dawn, age 14
If I do my homework on the bus, my mom never believes it. Adam, age 9
When teachers get old, like over fifty-five, they’re always in a bad mood. Lindsey, age 8
If you do badly on a report card or test that you take home on a Friday, you should wait until Sunday night to ask your parents to sign it. Hannah, age 14
When you want to stay home from school, you have to stay in the bathroom a long, long time. Joseph, age 11
The greatest teacher is not the one who talks all the time, but the one who listens. Lauren, age 14
When teachers are mad, they don’t blink. William, age 12
Teachers aren’t Einsteins. Gabrielle, age 14
Teachers are the best people in the whole world. Natka, age 14
There is nothing more satisfying than being prepared for a final. Jaimee, age 14
Not all learning can be measured by grades. Beth, age 16
When a teacher is in a bad mood, there’s no way I’m going to ask to go to the bathroom. Angela, age 11
If you put a piece of chalk in the blackboard eraser, it drives the teacher crazy. Joshua, age 8
If you are in trouble at school, your parents probably already know about it. Rachel, age 12
When you don’t know what you’re doing, ask for help before you mess up. Jennifer, age 14
You should not mess with the principal. Nicholas, age 9
My teachers can always tell when I start on a project the night before it is due. Emily, age 10
Typing class would be a lot easier if I had six fingers on each hand. Andrea, age 17
If I study and watch TV at the same time, I end up studying the TV. Charlie, age 16
Sometimes a teacher who seems to be totally boring at the beginning of the year turns out to be awesome. Robert, age 10
You can’t hide mashed potatoes in your hat. Chris, age 9
They put certain things in cafeteria food, so I don’t eat there anymore. Kristen, age 9
Nothing clears your sinuses like a sandwich with a lot of horseradish. Daniel, age 17
“Casserole” is just another word for “leftovers.” Elise, age 14
Moms make better lunches than dads. Emily, age 10
You shouldn’t put a marshmallow in the microwave. Mary, age 12
Pizza just isn’t the same without extra cheese. Elise, age 14
When food tastes terrible, you can say you have a toothache and you won’t have to eat it. Nakia, age 9
You should never try to stick peas in your pocket at dinnertime. Renee, age 13
You can never be too full for dessert. Kelly, age 10
You should never order seafood at a hamburger joint in Nebraska. Chad, age 11
I can never get away with feeding my broccoli to the dog. Joanne, age 10
When you and a friend buy ice cream cones, your friend’s flavor always looks better. Amanda, age 14
If there is something bad for dinner, your parents don’t have to eat it, but you do. Deanna, age 11
I am the happiest when I eat won ton soup. Thomas, age 9
You can’t fake a stomachache right before you’re having spinach for dinner. Jessica, age 11
You should never sneeze with a chewed-up but in your mouth. It’s a nasty experience. Amanda, age 14
I can slurp a slurpie through my nose. Holly, age 12
When you are home alone and you eat the chocolate your mom was saving, you should always hide the wrapper and eat a Pop Tart or something so that when your parents get back home, they can’t smell your chocolatey breath. David, age 11
It’s not a very good idea to drink a two-liter Coke before going to bed. Patrick, age 10
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Introduction
After 6373 days, the mountain tortoise has finally left his secluded cave to start a blog!
Please pardon his execrable standard of English and dubious sense of humor, and enjoy your stay.
P.S: The tortoise has decided to jump crawl onto the bandwagon and write in the third person. Why a tortoise, you say? Well, the resemblance between the tortoise and his-alter-ego becomes readily apparent on the running track!
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